twatlight.

I'm never one to bash a movie without having actually seen it, therefore no longer feeling comfortable saying "twilight sucks" without having actually seen it or even opened the book, I finally sat down and watched the damn thing.

Before Rant Intro

okay everyone knows i'm a hardcore harry potter fan, thus a lot of people assume i'm into twilight. wrong. i have never in my life opened the book. i have seen the cover, it wasn't until the movie came out and you started seeing posters for it fucking everywhere and i figured out it was about vampires. this still did not make me want to run out and read the fucking book. yes there has been a void in my life after harry potter ended, no longer do i count down the months for the next book to come out, no longer do i start arguments with people over why harry should have made out with hermione (that's a lie). i could have easily joined into this twilight fandom which seems to be spreading like an epidimic, yet nothing drew me to it. because it's STUPID. everything about it, is STUPID. there was a small hope in me that maybe i was wrong, maybe the movie would throughly entertain me and i would finally get roped into the saga and read the books. but alas, the movie only proved FURTHER that the series is overrated, overdramatic and STUPID.

Official Rant

so i got my twizzlers, i'm in my bed, i'm ready to watch this monstrosity and finally be able to bash it with no guilt whatsoever. and we begin. 

so apparently this average looking chick named bella has moved back with her dad to one of the rainiest places in the USA, Forks. it's all emo cause she's like, ohmygodimissmymom and the dad is like, ohmygodihaveadaughter. so she sulks to her first day of school where, since it's a small town, all the boys are like, whoahotnewgirl, which granted the cinematographer does film her beautifully to make us believe she's supposed to be uber precious, pretty, mysterious.

anyways, to make the school kids more interesting we get introduced to a stereotypical asian character who's flamboyantly gay but acts like he has a crush on this bella, which proves to be awkward and hilarious. this guy has no plot but i just thought it was funny and one of the only few highlights in this pile of shit. so they're eating lunch and these weird ass people walk in and the popular girl is all like "oh my god those are The Cullens, they are the prettiest, richest, and weirdest people in town" and i'm all like, they're supposed to be the PRETTIEST?? have you seen these people?!!!! they could have cast more attractive people. actually scratch that, they DID but hair and make up made them look ridiculous.

so the last one to walk in is of course our hero, Edward Cullen, played by heartthrob of the moment Robert Pattison, who apparently caused a riot when making an apperance at an autograph session at some mall where 5000 preteens showed up.

really? i mean he's cute but 5000 person riot? simmer down girls. also, this is supposed to be the infamous sexy vampire that brings all the mortal girls to their knees? will arnett say it for me... COME ON.

where was i? right, so bella is all flustered by his presence, and even more so when she enters biology class and discovers they are lab partners. and now ladies and gentlemen, the most amazing scene you will ever see. and by amazing i mean, the most ridiculous what the fuck is going on here and why can't these people act oh my god this movie SUCKS.

apparently he can't handle his hunger for her cause her blood smells so good. epic hilarity. proven by this gif, clickity click!

JIZZ IN MY PANTS

right, so the plot of this whole movie is that edward and bella fall epically in love (which happens over the span of 3 days). oh and bella makes friends with this guy, who also could be cute if hair and make up hadn't attacked him with a horrendous wig.

he has a hard on like every other dude for bella. 

so then bella finally figures out edward is a sexy vampire. my interpretation of the scene:

bella - i'm not afraid of you, do me. 

edward - no i'm a monster don't look at me! 

bella - but wait, aren't you supposed to be able to come out only at night?

edward - haha silly mortal stop reading anne rice. 

so apparently in twilight world, vampires can be outside as long as there's no sun, because in sunlight they reveal WHO THEY TRULY ARE. aka not human. and bella is being all repetitive saying i'm not afraid, show me who you are dick. and i'm thinking, sweet lets see what make up comes up with for his "scary true vampire monster face". he steps into the sunlight.... i'm actually sort of excited... he turns around... AND DAZZLES ME. yes, the author decided to make his skin GLITTER LIKE DIAMONDS. that's his TRUE MONSTER SELF. 

what.the.fuck.

so bella is all like "you're beautiful" and he's like "no i'm a killer!" and sulks away. at this point i almost turned it off but i thought, man this has to be the worst part, might as well tough it out. 

he introduces her to his vampire family with a reallly random baseball scene, and then we meet the villians of the movie who are real vampires, aka they actually eat humans (because the cullens are vegetarians, they only eat animals. fuck my life) and they kidnap bella so edward has to save her and blah blah zzzzzzzzz seriously, it takes sooooo long to finally get to the action at the end of the movie, they could have cut out so much. plus, the CGI department dropped the ball as much as the fucking wig department.

and then our pay off at the end is an awkward prom scene where bella is all like, ohmygod make me a vampire so i can be with you forever so he leans down to bite her and he's all like PSYCH HAHAHAHA NO WAY BITCH, YOU SHALL GROW OLD AND NASTY WHILE I REMAIN 17 AND PRETTY AND MAKE FUN OF YOUR SAGGY BOOBS. K LOVE YOU!!11!!!!1!!!

Verdict

this movie is so bad, and not in an awesome lets plays drinking games to this awesomly bad movie way. the only time i was invested in the movie was the 10 minutes they spent of bella trying to figure out what's wrong with this creepy pale dude because they step up the acting. but once she finds out it's all down hill. i'll give props to kirsten stewart (bella) and robert pattison (edward) for trying to make the cheesefest dialogue bearable. they do smoke up the screen, bitches have some extreme chemistry. the scene of their kiss was pretty hot, i mean the premise is hard to screw up. two hormonal teenagers who can't touch each other because the dude's vampire reflexes might go into overdrive and kill her? yeah pretty easy to make super sexy, and they pulled it off so bravo. but that's 3 minutes out of a fucking 2 hour fail fest.

sorry twilighters, won't be joining the bandwagon. now excuse me while i go reread harry potter.

p.s this whole movie needed more of jasper, one of the vampires from the cullen clan, edward's adoptive brother. dude is so weird looking and doesn't say anything, therefore i demand a spin off.

*** UPDATE

The actor who plays him Jackson Rathbone is also in an indie rock band called 100 monkeys. emo indie rocker kid in twilight series? epic win.

ta!

julia gulia